


He's an Idiot 3

by Strailo



Series: He's an Idiot [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Anal Sex, Boys Being Boys, Complete, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Unresolved Sexual Tension, bi characters, plot (Just a smidge), some hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:07:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strailo/pseuds/Strailo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts with a pile of laundry and ends with a relationship no one expects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He's an Idiot 3 Pt. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title: He’s an Idiot  
> Arc: 3  
> Fandom: Bleach  
> Characters: Kenpachi, Shuuhei  
> Word Count: 1,530  
> AN: And we come to number three. I hope you enjoy the crack like pairing. It’s interesting that’s for sure. 
> 
> *~*~*~*

His head hurt, pounding away in time with his heartbeat as he reached out for the aspirin that he knew would be there, finding the small pills and water bottle. Pulling his arm back under the blanket, Shuuhei took the pain killers and settled in to let them work on his headache, making him wonder just why he kept going out with the other guys to get drunk.

 

Ikkaku and Yumichika both tended to spoil their sweet, rather tiny lover, Hanatoru, on the nights out that they did join while Renji behaved for fear of sleeping on the couch instead of being able to snuggle with his fiancé.

 

Iba was still a nimrod and sucked as a wingman while Ichigo had flat out stated that he had his hands full with his lovers and never wanted to get drunk after the last time he had done so. Though, Shuuhei could see why the younger man was like that, seeing as how he was getting as tired of drinking as Ichigo. Then again, maybe it wasn’t so much the drinking as what usually came with it.

 

The meaningless flings got boring after a while and wasn’t what Shuuhei was really wanting at the moment. Granted, he had gone to a guy’s place the night before, wanting muscles instead of soft curves, but he hadn’t lingered after the so-so sex, claiming an early morning. Which was true, leaving him waking up and waiting for the aspirin to kick in.

 

He moaned quietly at the feeling of Kenpachi’s reitsu, burying himself deeper into his blankets. In the last two months, the divisions had started to mix with each other to inspire better interdivision cooperation and Shuuhei’s division had ended up with Kenpachi’s in the whole thing. This usually meant that the taicho of the Eleventh often came to find him if he wasn’t on time, such as at that moment.

 

“Taicho, I swear that if you are planning to kick me out of bed, I will ram Kazeshini through your foot before going back to sleep,” he threatened, growling lowly as he poked his head up and sending a glare at the man. Kenpachi leered as he reached out with a foot and nudged his ass to prompt him to get up.

 

“Come on, icicle, time to get going,” he rumbled, dodging the pillow that was tossed at him. Shuuhei grunted and tossed his blanket aside, swinging his legs over the side of his bed before standing up with a slow stretch.

 

Kenpachi smirked as he eyed the younger man, noting that he was wearing a long shirt and a pair of night shorts that were scandalously short, leaving long legs bared. He had always known that Shuuhei-fukutaicho was lean, his usual top baring his arms to whoever wanted to look, but he rarely got to see him so bare.

 

“Go put the kettle on my stove would ya? And try not to burn my house down,” Shuuhei said looking over his shoulder before walking to his bathroom, intent on taking a very hot shower.

 

Kenpachi chuckled and turned around to walk out of the bedroom, heading for the kitchen. In all of the time that the new program had been going on, he had gotten to know all about Shuuhei’s morning habits, including his need for tea in the morning instead of coffee. And only after a hot shower that would leave him flushed and his muscles relaxed so he could get through the day so he wouldn’t be in pain by the time he got home.

 

Kenpachi got used to these facts and had even taken to putting the kettle on when he got impatient for his morning spar.

 

Checking to make sure that there was water, Kenpachi put the kettle on the stove and let it heat as he eyed the laundry basket. He noticed that the clothes from the day before were rumpled and he had no doubt that if he got near it, he would only smell the bar and possibly Shuuhei’s latest bar slut. Leaning against the counter, he rumbled his distaste at the thought of his sparring partner screwing some easy floozy who was possibly just looking for a quick fix and a rich husband.

 

“Why are you glaring at my laundry pile?” Shuuhei asked as he came out of his bedroom. His skin was still flushed from his shower, hair mused from the towel drying that he had done, fully dressed for the day. Kenpachi looked up from the glaring contest that he had been having with the laundry basket as the kettle went off.

 

“No reason,” Kenpachi grunted as the younger shinigami pulled a cup down from a hook before retrieving the still whistling kettle and let it come down from the boiling and steaming point the water was at. “Get lucky last night?” he asked as Shuuhei poured hot water over a tea bag.

 

“Yeah, if you want to call it that,” Shuuhei drawled, letting the tea bag seep as he dug out the sugar container and a thin of creamer.

 

“What? She suck in bed?” Kenpachi grunted. Shuuhei took a moment to squeeze his tea bag, dropping it into the sink.

 

“No, he was good, if you don’t mind a quick tumble in the sack,” Shuuhei finally stated. Kenpachi cocked an eyebrow at him with that interesting bit of news. “Yes, I said he. I’m an equal opportunity lover when it comes to lovers. I’ve had more women as lovers, granted, but I have had men as lovers before. Last night’s romp was good but I’m getting tired of the one night stands, especially since most of my drinking partners are taken men now,” he continued, sweetening his tea with a bit of sugar.

 

Kenpachi grunted as he crossed his arms, watching as Shuuhei sipped at his tea before finding a mixed bowl of fruit, eating it as he finished another cup of tea. The large man found himself having to rethink his original opinion about his fellow shinigami and his sexual enjoyments.

 

He had watched Shuuhei since the first spar that they had done together and had always wondered but had never really seen him with any partners that were males. But now that he had learned that the other man swung both ways, he would need to plan out how he would land the other in his bed.

 

“Right, let’s go,” Shuuhei finally said, breaking into Kenpachi’s thoughts. The younger man was rinsing off his dishes and putting them into the dish drainer to dry while he was gone.

 

“Yep,” Kenpachi grunted, pushing away from the counter as his sparring partner grabbed his own zanpactou and sliding it into his obi sash. “Hanatoru is gonna be the healer today. His boy toys are dealin’ with the members this morning, puttin’ them through their paces and that shit,” he said they headed out on their way, bounding over the rooftops, heading for the Eleventh training grounds.

 

“Sounds good to me,” Shuuhei hummed, landing lightly on a roof before launching towards the next roof. Kenpachi leered at the well oiled movements of the body before him and happily followed, staying just far enough back to watch the ass that teased him but still close enough to hear him. “How has that thing for the Shiba brat been going?  I know that Ichigo is still ready to plant a foot deep into the idiot’s gut.”

 

“It’s workin’ for him. His sister is also helping to correct his attitude,” Kenpachi replied, shrugging one shoulder. Shuuhei looked over one of his own as they landed in the practice field, Hanatoru already there, sitting on a boulder across the field from them.

 

“That’s good,” he mused, waving at the healer before once more turning to Kenpachi. “I’m surprised that you’ve put up with him for so long, especially with the way he’s been harassing Hanatoru-kun, Ikkaku-san and Yumichika-san the last few months,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

 

Kenpachi snorted lightly as he removed his taichos haori, putting it aside with a shrug. “I didn’t know just how bad it was. Apparently, they had thought that they had taken care of it but then Ganju started to fuck up again,” he stated, pulling out his zanpactou as Shuuhei pulled Kazekashi out of his sheath. “Then the nimrod insulted Kurosaki-san and his lovers got pissy,” he continued.

 

“He’s an idiot and is learning his lesson,” Shuuhei stated, taking his stance. “Come, let’s spar. I still have paperwork to do today so I can’t spend a lot of time here, unfortunately.”

 

“Let’s fight,’ Kenpachi said, nearly growling in pleasure before attacking with a downward swing which was blocked easily.

 

Two hours later found Shuuhei with healed cuts and bruises, heading home for a quick hot shower before heading to the office.

 

Kenpachi was relaxing as Hanatoru offered suggestions on his technique and working on healing him. Once his cuts had been fixed, he gave the small healer a ride to his lover’s before heading to his own shower. After that, he found himself in his office, thinking about Shuuhei and his own desires in regards to the young fukutaicho.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: He’s an Idiot   
> Arc: 3  
> Part: 2  
> Fandom: Bleach  
> Characters: Kenpachi  
> Word count: 1,499  
> AN: Sorry about this being late. >> Wasn’t on yesterday. *blushes*
> 
> *~*~*~*

 

Closing the door behind him, Kenpachi blew out a slow breath, eyes closing for a moment before they opened once more. Ever since that morning, after he had gone to his office after the spar with Shuuhei, he had been bugged by every damn member of his division, not allowed to think about what he wanted to think about.

Namely about what he wanted to do with the brat named Shuuhei.

Grunting , he stalked away from his bedroom door, shrugging out of his taichos haori and tossed it aside onto a desk. Standing before it, he quickly and efficiently removed the bells from his hair, the locks falling down around his shoulders before dropping them into a bowl.

Brushing out his hair, he turned away from the desk, eyes sweeping over the large, mussed bed before he walked to his personal bath. He noted that someone had picked up the room and grunted once more.

“Why am I not surprised?” he asked himself, rubbing at his head with a sigh of displeasure. He hated living in the taicho’s barracks but he also didn’t want to live in some house with just Yachiru, no matter how nice. Pulling off his clothes, he tossed them into a hamper, sending his thoughts to what he had seen in Shuuhei’s own hamper.

He had never once thought that the young fukutaicho was a bi man with a taste for the dark haired men. At least that’s was what Hanatoru had told him when he had cornered the small healer without his lover’s. Now all Kenpachi had to figure out was if the guy liked men who were taller and possibly stronger than him. But first, he wanted to get the bath with special oil over with so he could take a shower.

Bath run and oil poured into the hot water, Kenpachi grunted as he slid into the water, letting the oil and hot water work. He had a few bruises that hadn’t been healed for the simple fact that they were deep and needed to come up on their own.

“Little brat sure as hell can hit,” he muttered, poking at one bruise that sat high on his upper thigh, near his hip. Shuuhei had come at him with a low punch and landed it on his thigh instead of his gut like the kid had planned on.

It had been a lucky punch for Shuuhei but an unlucky one for Kenpachi since it started off a Charlie horse that had locked his entire leg, ending their spar. Kenpachi had growled but Hanatoru had put his foot down and nearly hadn’t healed him at all. He had shut up after that, knowing he was going to be in some pain and hadn’t wanted to add more.

Now he was glad that he had been told no more sparring with his various bruises that were throbbing in time with his heartbeat. Sighing, Kenpachi sank deeper into the water and let his head rest on the back of the tub, eyes staring at the wall before him. His mind returned to his sparring partner once more.

Kenpachi could admit, not only to himself but also aloud, that Shuuhei was a good looking man, and not lacking something completely masculine about himself. But that may have been because of the fact that he was well known to not care where he stuck it so long as to him, it was human and attractive.

They all knew that had he had the opportunity, he would have happily fucked the fourth Espada, Ulquiorra Ciefer, or the 6th Espada, Grimmjow Jagerjacks if they had survived and been willing.

Shuuhei Hisagi wasn’t beautiful, true, but he was handsome with a strong jaw and face. His eyes weren’t wide but they weren’t narrow either, but rather they reminded Kenpachi of naturally occurring bedroom eyes. His hair wasn’t long, but wasn’t short either, but somewhere between perfect for grabbing and tugging. His body was all tightly compact limbs and graceful movements, showing not only his training but also a natural grace that came with knowing how to street fight.

And from what he knew about Shuuhei, the kid was a rat and had been saved by the ex-taicho, Kensei, when he had been younger then Yachiru was. From that time, the now fukutaicho had worked hard to become strong, leaving the orphanage that he had been at when he had been unable to take care of himself and joined the academy soon after. Then the thing with the hollows attacking Renji’s, Kira’s and Momo’s graduating class had happened, leaving the three the only ones alive of their class and Shuuhei permanently scarred.

From there, he had risen in the ranks, becoming a fukutaicho long before Renji had gone from a seated officer in the Eleventh to the fukutaicho of the sixth. After that he had been turned on by the man he had respected the most, leaving him to wonder if he had done something wrong.

To Kenpachi, now knowing all of that, Shuuhei was amazingly strong and smart, making him that much more desirable to have as a more permanent partner. And he was planning on what he was going to do to get him into his bed for good. All he had to do was wait once he had a plan.

Of course Kenapchi’s mind provided him with a memory of Shuuhei right after one of their spars. He had been sweating, his clothes torn and covered with his sweat and blood. The younger shinigami had stripped out of his top, that the time had been more rags then shirt, and was using it to wipe off his face and skin. Kenpachi had eyed the lean body and wanted to lick off all of the sweat and blood before him.

Growling, he looked down at his groin and was greeted by a contently twitching prick, making him narrow his eyes down at it. “Great fuckin’ timing,” Kenpachi muttered and wrapped a hand around it, intent on getting past the need to bring himself pleasure.

His mind gave him a fantasy that had been floating around in his mind for the last month ever since he had seen Shuuhei without a shirt and newly fueled by the tempting glances earlier that morning.

In it, Shuuhei was begging to be fucked, all laid out on Kenpachi’s bed, skin flushed and cock hard. His caramel colored nipples would be hard and flushed from his larger lover’s attention while dark marks would map where Kenpachi had been.

Green eyes would be blown with lust as long legs would spread wide to accept him deep into the writhing body that rocked with each thrust inwards. And the sounds that Shuuhei would make, begging and pleading with each movement…

Kenpachi let the fantasy run rampant through his mind, heating his blood just as surely as his hands as it rubbed up and down over his cock. Rubbing at the head of his prick, he groaned and thrust up into his hand as he felt his climax start to tighten in his groin. Growling heavily, a picture of a blissed out Shuuhei solid in his mind, Kenpachi came, cock jerking in his hand and spilling white into the water around him.

Coming down from his climax, Kenpachi swirled the water around as he enjoyed the relaxation that came from the release of pleasure. He made sure that his hand was clean before he pulled the plug to let the water out from the tub and stood up, intent on his shower. After he had washed completely, he dried and dressed before moving to the extra large window seat, pulling out a long pipe and his favored tobacco.

Once the pipe had been packed, he lit it and settled in to think as he smoked. He would need to be careful when it came to getting Shuuhei into his bed, especially with his reputation of either just fucking or fighting, but never really having any kind of a real relationship with anyone.

To be truthful, he never really had time to have a relationhip. First he had been traveling with first Yachiru and later Yumichika and Ikkaku before landing in the heart of Soul Society and becoming taicho. After that, he had been busy with running a division, training, and keeping Yachiru from killing everyone because she wasn’t feeling good and they annoyed her.

He hadn’t been able to date and wouldn’t have unless they liked Yachiru and she liked them in return anyways.

Tapping the pipe stem against his bottom lip, he smirked at the thought that Shuuhei was in all actuality one of the few people that Yachiru liked and didn’t attack. Chuckling, Kenpachi made a note to really think about that fact, after he got some sleep. Tapping his pipe clean, he stood and headed for bed, knowing that he would be able to start on getting Shuuhei into his bed for good.


	3. He's an Idiot 3 Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: He’s an Idiot  
> Part: 3  
> Fandom: Bleach  
> Characters: Shuuhei, Kira  
> Word count: 1,583  
> AN: Why am I posting this at 2 in the morning? Because I’m awake, that’s why.
> 
> *~*~*~*

*~*~*~*

Leaning back on the couch, legs crossed and looking bored as he swirled his sake cup around, Shuuhei gazed at the thoughtful Kira as he stared at his own cup. They had gotten together to talk about swapping a few of their division members and had ended up just relaxing with a warm bottle of sake and some snacks that Ichigo had tested on them, claiming a mother’s recipe.

Kira reached out and picked up another fluffy and very soft cookie, eyeing it. “Do you think that Ichigo knew how addicting these are?” he asked before biting into it.

Shuuhei reached out and snagged another cookie before shrugging one shoulder. “Probably about as much as Hanatoru knows his cakes are,” he said, biting into the cookie and right into a gooey center, making him work to catch the flood of caramel. “And he just had to mix in those filled ones right?” he asked, finishing the cookie before licking his fingers.

“I’m going to have to demand more of them from him, I just know it,” Kira sighed as he reached out for another. “If we didn’t train so much we would be getting fat off of these.”

“Yep.” Shuuhei finished off his sake, putting his cup to the side with a grunt. “So I hear you will be babysitting Stark-san and Gin-san,” he said, looking to his friend. 

“I’m not babysitting them. I’m merely making sure that they are able to rejoin the world outside of their house. Just because they have to move in with me doesn’t mean a damn thing,” Kira stated, waving his cup with a frown. “As if having to listen to them fucking in my guest bedroom isn’t going to suck enough”

“Shuuhei sat up on his elbows, blinking at the other man with wide eyes. “You mean that Gin-san and Stark-san are…How the fuck does that work?” he blurted out. 

Kira burst into laughter, feeling the sake buzzing through his system. “I’m very sure that Stark-san is very capable of fucking Gin-san and quite vigorously from what I’ve heard from the complaints of those who need to watch over them,” he finally said, stopping with his laughter as he laid back onto the cover, spread eagle.

“Ah man, fuck you,” Shuuhei groaned as he flopped back onto the couch with a low groan, covering his eyes with one arm, shaking his head. “You know what I mean, you pain in the ass,” he grunted, one foot reaching out to nudge at the sprawled out man with his toes. “I had never once thought that the lazy one, Stark-san, would ever expend energy, even if it is to nail Gin-san to the bed.”

“Oh, yes, please, plant that image into my head and expect me to not kill a few more motors over the next few days,” Kira groaned, pouting at his friend. Shuuhei just gave him a shit eating grin as he used one hand to pour a fresh cup of warm sake from the bottle. “You suck so much right now,” he stated, reaching up and stealing a pillow to throw at his friend, his aim ending up off from what he had drank.

“I’m wishing I was sucking on something right now but I really am not looking for some one night stand,” Shuuhei mused as he sat up to sip at his drink. “I know that you’re getting tired of all of the nimrods at the bar hitting on you.”

“Yeah, I am,” Kira sighed, shoving a hand through his hair and leaving it a mess around his face. “On top of that, I have to use my damn toys because I keep dating the idiots that can’t seem to get me off,” he complained. 

“And thus the reason why I top more often than not,” Shuuhei said, nodding his head with a smile on his lips. “At least until I know the person is good.”

“I like being a bottom, thank you very much,” Kira stated, smirking at the glare he got before Shuuhei pouted.

“I wouldn’t mind bottoming if I could find someone worth it,” he grunted, finishing his sake with one last swig of his drink, once more relaxing back on the couch. “I’ve seen a few people checking you out lately and they’re all pretty good lookin’,” Kira mused, smirking at his friend. Shuuhei cocked an eyebrow and eyed the tray of cookies.

“Yeah? Any of them higher than a fifth seat?” he asked, giving in and snagging another cookie, once more getting a gooey center.

“One or two, though one is a part of your division and I know you prefer to date outside of them,” Kira mused, following Shuuhei’s example and grabbing a cookie. “Though one is Kenpachi-taicho,” he said around the bite of his cookie.

“You’re joking right?” Shuuhei asked as he gave Kira a look of disbelief, shaking his head. “No fucking way has he been looking at me. He would have made a move, especially since we’ve been sparring and working together,” he said. 

Kira sat up with a smirk at his friend. “Not if he thought that you were purely straight,” he purred. Waving a finger at his friend, he continued with, “You don’t really come off as a bi-sexual man you know, so it is possible that he didn’t want to waste his time on getting you if he wasn’t going to end up with you in bed.”

Shuuhei squinted at him with a heavy frown on his lips. “That made no sense what so ever,” he finally said.

“You’re right,” Kira said after he thought about it for a moment. “Okay, Kenapchi, possibly thinking that you aren’t bi or interested in men in this case, wouldn’t want to make a move without knowing if he had a chance of getting you under him and in his bed,” he stated, popping the last of his cookie into his mouth.

Shuuhei blinked as he stared at his friend, mind working over the information he had been given before making a thoughtful noise. “You’re right, you little brat,” he huffed, falling back to lie down again. “Damn it. You know what, he asked if I had fun with a woman this morning and I did have to tell him that I was bi. Can’t believe that I completely forgot about it.”

“Were you half awake and eating while you enjoyed your tea?” Kira added in some curiosity. Shuuhei took a moment to think about it before nodding his head, not bothering to look at him from his spot on the couch. “That’s why, sweet boy toy, you forgot all about it. You have this bad habit of forgetting things before you have your third cup of tea or even a cup of coffee on your rush days.”

“Fuck off,” Shuuhei groaned, rubbing at his face as he tried not to pout unhappily at the thought. “So what do you think he’s going to do now that he knows?” he asked, idly watching as Kira crawled towards him to sit near his head.

“I have a feeling that Kenpachi-taicho will make a move on you. Depending on if he wants a relationship or if he wants a few tumbles will dictate what he does,” Kira mused as he grabbed the tray of cookies and started to nibble one, finding it full of chocolate and peanut butter chips, making him moan in pleasure.

“Goody, I get to wait for him to get off his ass,” Shuuhei grunted as he flipped over onto his stomach as Kira smirked at his friend again. “Don’t look so damn smug, Kira. You’re gonna end up killing at least three more vibrators before December comes,” he stated, watching the blond pout at him.

“Fuck off, bitch boy. See if I give you any more of my cookies,” Kira threatened, holding the plate away before giving in and handing the pouting Shuuhei half of the remaining cookies. “I will have to go to the shop soon though, especially with those two coming around. If they’re the bunnies that I hear they are, then I’m going to need them.”

“Or you could find yourself a new partner,” Shuuhei suggested as he bit into a new cookie, getting a snort.

“Not likely. I still have that nasty rumor that I was worshipping Gin-sans cock from the day I joined the Third,” Kira said, biting into his cookie, “still following around after me.” He sighed softly. “So it’s a bit hard to find a lover who doesn’t think the moment that Gin-san shows me the least bit of attention that I’ll be the loyal puppy dog. It’s annoying,” he whined, Shuuhei petting his head.

“Do you think that Gin-san and Stark-san has heard of that rumor?” Shuuhei asked, raising an eyebrow. Kira swallowed, one hand covering his mouth at the horror of that thought.

“Oh, God, I hope not,” Kira moaned. “I don’t want them to think that I’m going to try to butt into their relationships or anything. Do you think the idiots kept their traps shut?” he asked, looking at the older man with hopeful eyes. Shuuhei had to think about that for a moment, lips pressed together as he ran over who was on duty to watch those two. He sighed and shook his head.

“Not a fucking chance, Kira. Not a chance. Somehow the ones with the biggest mouths were put on guard duty,” he stated. Kira moaned in horror.


	4. He's an Idiot 3 Pt. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: He’s an Idiot  
> Fandom: Bleach  
> Part: 4  
> Characters: Kenpachi, Shuuhei  
> Word count: 1,503  
> AN: Another chapter, another week. :D
> 
> *~*~*~*

*~*~*~*

“So you want the Shiba brat and his mentor? Why?” Kenpachi grunted as he looked up from the paperwork before him to gaze at Shuuhei as he looked through the profiles on Kenpachi’s men. The berserker taicho was doing the same with the profiles of his fukutaicho companion.

Shuuhei looked up and closed the folder that he had been reading and tapped a finger on the pile of them. “I want his mentor to be precise, but fuck am I letting that idiot free to fuck around with Hana-chan’s relationship some more. The little guy really made me respect him with the way he helped Ichi-chan,” he stated. Kenpachi cocked an eyebrow.

“What’s with the chan going on?” he grunted. He eyed the way the other flushed as he played with his pen.

“I’ve hung out with their lovers way too much and it’s kind of stuck. I used to get scowled at by Ichi-chan all the damn time before he pinned me with Shuu-kun,” Shuuhei stated, shrugging. “Only him and Hana-chan get away with it though.”

“Is that why Ikkaku came back with a black eye and a lump on his head yesterday?” Kenpachi asked, humor evident in his voice. Shuuhei snickered as he nodded his head.

“Yep. I landed a rather nice hit on his head with an ink pot,” Shuuhei said before laughing and shaking his head. “It was Ichigo who gave him the black eye though. The idiot dared to comment on his lip and smug smile so Ichi-chan had to retaliate.”

“Sounds like Ichigo,” Kenpachi said, a rumbling chuckle escaping him as Shuuhei shrugged and smiled. “So, again, why Shiba and his mentor?” he asked.

“And again, I want his mentor more than I want him. The man is a genius when it comes to brawling and street fighting. There’s only so much I can teach because I wasn’t on the streets long enough to learn everything. Renji and Rukia were more hit and run fighters during their street days,” Shuuhei said, jabbing a pen in his companion’s direction. “I may be learning how to think on my feet but I’m still not that great.”

“From what I’ve heard, before that blind bastard got his hooks into ya, ya used to be pretty damn good listenin’ to your instincts,” Kenpachi grunted, once more watching the way the younger man flushed with his words.

“Yes, I know, I was stupid to allow someone to change me, but a close relationship can mess with you,” Shuuhei mused. Kenpachi was shocked silent by the news. No one had even gotten a whiff of the fact that Tousen and Shuuhei had been fucking before what was now known as The Betrayal. But to hear it come from the younger shinigami was shocking.

“You were fucking the blind bastard?” Kenpachi finally blurted out before clearing his throat in surprise at himself.

Shuuhei blinked a few times at the berserker taicho before flushing gently. “It’s more like he was fucking me. With much enthusiasm,” he admitted, shrugging with a smile. “No one really knew because we didn’t want them to know. Or rather, he didn’t want anyone to know. Now I know why he didn’t.”

“And here I always thought that only Kira and that foxy bastard were fuckin’,” Kenpachi grunted, getting an amused look from Shuuhei as the man chuckled.

“Kira-kun and Gin-san actually never once fucked. Gin-san made sure of it,” Shuuhei told him, enjoying the look of shock on Kenpachi’s face.

“But…” the large man sputtered, suddenly at a loss for words as he stared at the bored looking Shuuhei.

“Nope. They were just close friends and nothing more. Kira-kun is finding it outright annoying that he’s having to deal with that rumor following him around and really fucking up any chance at a real relationship,” Shuuhei said, waving a hand with a smile dancing on his lips. “Those who are close to him knew the truth and his annoyance with it.”

“Great, a rumor that has no truth to it,” Kenpachi chuckled with a smirk. “Just like the ones that are starting about Kira using a kido to shut Hitsugaya up after the brat opened his mouth again,” he continued.

Shuuhei smirked and leant forward, resting his chin on one hand. “The thing is, Kira did do that. Hitsugaya-taicho started in on how he could become Gin-sans happy, and I quote, ‘cock sucking whore’, unquote. Kira decided that he needed a time out and bound his mouth. That is before he laid out the truth very calmly and in an organized manner.”

“Really now?” Kenpachi asked, interested in the newest information. He had heard that the fukutaicho of the third could be icy when he was pushed to the very edge of his patience, but to actually hear about him doing something had been rare to happen.

“Oh yes, from what I’ve seen, Hitsugaya-taicho has been keeping his mouth shut,” Shuuhei continued, putting a file aside onto a reject pile. “He learned his lesson about talking about what he obviously doesn’t know,” he stated with a smile dancing on his lips.

“About time the brat learned something,” Kenpachi grunted as he turned back to the profiles provided to him by Shuuhei. “Yeah, you can have Tai and his brat,” he finally said, handing the two files of the people he wanted. “I want these two though. They can both use their asses kicked a few times.”

Shuuhei took the files and read over who it was before nodding. “You can have them. I have no doubt that you’ll get them into shape,” he said, handing them back with a full smile on his lips. “Have fun with them.”

“Thanks,” Kenpachi grunted as they started to fill out the paperwork to trade the division members. Yachiru suddenly squealed as she ran into the office and pounced upon the indulgent looking Shuuhei as he put aside his filled out paperwork, his other arm wrapping around the pink haired child.

“Hello, Yachiru-chan,” Shuuhei said, smiling down at her and getting a bright, happy smile from her. “What have I said about jumping on me while I’m working on paperwork?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Kenpachi settled in to watch how the younger man handled Yachiru, knowing that it would either solidify his decision or make him rethink it.

“That I shouldn’t do it otherwise you could mess up something important and have to redo it all,” Yachiru said, pouting as she looked sheepish.

“Correct. Luckily I was finished with my current bit of paperwork,” Shuuhei hummed, patting her hair down with a smile. “Now I have something for you,” he said, reaching for his bag and digging around it before pulling out a wrapped package. Yachiru squealed again and took the package, happily ripping into it, the wrapping going flying around them before stopping.

“So pretty!” she yelled, holding up a hand knitted scarf. It was rather long but Kenpachi figured that with the way Yachiru used her clothes as weapons that it was a good idea. The color was one that the taicho couldn’t identify.

“Where did you buy that?” he finally asked, wondering if he would be able to buy a few more for Yachiru in other colors.

“I didn’t buy it,” Shuuhei admitted as Yachiru wrapped the scarf around her neck and played with the ends. “I knit in my free time and I promised that if Yachiru-chan did her lessons without complaint and did well, that I would make her one in the color of her choice. Surprisingly, she chose a rather dark magenta for her scarf,” he said, Kenpachi blinking at him.

“Well, you learn something new every day,” the large man grunted as he sat back on one hand.

“Shuu-Shuu is really nice and cool,” Yachiru chirped happily. “He doesn’t treat me like a baby or anything like that.”

“Just because you are a young girl does not mean that you are a baby. You’re just learning what others learn, adding to your knowledge,” Shuuhei stated, tweaking her nose with a finger, getting another smile from her. “And those that underestimate you deserve to be shown up,” he continued.

As Shuuhei interacted with Yachiru, explaining to her why she needed to know how to properly write her kanji, Kenpachi watched with a thoughtful eye. He had known that Yachiru enjoyed being around Shuuhei but he hadn’t known that it had been the young man who had gotten her into actually learning and doing her lessons.

Even if he did have to bribe her to do so.

Kenpachi smirked as she settled into Shuuheis lap and yawned, apparently ready to take a nice long nap. Shuuhei just wrapped an arm around her and continued to go through the profiles before him. The easy way the two moved around each other and were happy to be around each other made his decision solid.

He would take Shuuhei to his bed and keep him in his life for good.


	5. He's an Idiot 3 Pt. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Acquisitions   
> Title: He’s an Idiot  
> Arc: 3  
> Part: 5  
> Pairing: Kenpachi/Shuuhei  
> Word count: 2,526  
> AN: I’m too tired to give a fuck.
> 
> *~*~*~*

Kenpachi was fidgeting in his seat behind his desk as he finished off a report on the nest clearing that had gone very wrong, which had forced him to remove his eye patch and had pushed those with shikai to use it. That had included Shuuhei, leaving him twitching himself from the power surge, along with Kenpachi’s twitching from removing his eyepatch.

“Are you done?” Shuuhei asked as he handed over the pile of papers that was his report to a waiting courier. Kenpachi grunted, signed his name on the last page and handed his over, letting the first division member flee from the rolling reitsu. Despite his calm appearance, the fukutaicho of the eighth was very riled after calling on Kazeshini’s power to use against the amazing amount of pissed off hollows.

“You okay?” Kenpachi grunted, eyeing the other man, his eye narrowed as Shuuhei stood, pacing back and forth across the office. The large taicho knew that his companion was only staying long enough to hear about the men that had ended up being hurt by the attack, but he wanted to go to a training field to wear out some of his energy.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just on edge about everything,” Shuuhei hummed, running a hand through his hair, messing it up even more, making it stick upwards even more. “And my power is on edge at the moment so I need to do something… Anything really.” 

Kenpachi raised an eyebrow at his companion. “Anything? Really now?” Kenpachi grunted, mind already working on how to get Shuuhei sprawled out on his desk, naked as the day as he had been born.

“If I had a lover the poor guy would probably be exhausted by the time I was done,” Shuuhei muttered with a blush. Kenpachi leered as he stood up. He walked around the desk and started to stalk towards the other man, which prompted him to walk backwards and press against the wall with a wary look. “Kenpachi-taicho?” he asked as the large man came to stand before him, leering down at the smaller man.

“We really shouldn’t let all that energy go to waste,” Kenpachi chuckled lowly, Shuuhei’s eyes wide and his pupils going huge as lust hit him like a sucker punch.

“Kenpachi-taicho,” he breathed out slowly, not tearing his eye away from the eye that was drilling into his own, feeling his body react to the heavy reitsu that was pressing, caressing, around his own. It sent heat roaring through him, drawing out a moan from him. Kenpachi smirked and laid a heavy hand on one hip, long thumb rolling over the lean muscle and wondering just how easy it would be to slide his hand under the clothes that hid what he wanted from him. 

Leering, Kenpachi leant down, pressing Shuuhei up against the wall, and sealed their lips in a bruising kiss, growling when long fingered hands buried themselves into his hair and tugged; the sweet body against his own started to writhe as their reitsu tangled together. His tongue slipped into the sweet mouth, tasting and finding all the little spots that made his soon to be lover react in the most delicious of ways. Growling, Kenpachi reached down and cupped the firm ass that had been teasing him for the last two months, hauling Shuuhei up into his arms, getting him to wrap his legs around his waist.

“I’m going to fuck you and you will enjoy every moment of it,” he promised with a lusty look in his eye, the promise bright and strong. Shuuhei shuddered and bit his bottom lip, whimpering in lust as his legs tightened around the others waist, making them both groan as their hips came in contact, rubbing and pressing together.

“Please do,” Shuuhei panted, his mint colored eyes dark and half lidded as he tugged at Kenpachi’s hair once more, watching as a bell fell out and landed on the floor, the hair it had been holding up falling to the ground. 

The bit of hair that it had been on fell to rest on Kenpachi’s shoulder, looking a bit to soft for the fierce taicho. One hand came up to run his fingers over the piece of hair before reaching up to tug at the other bells, the little silver items falling to the ground as soft hair was let loose and fell down around broad shoulders. “Damn. No wonder you keep it up in those spikes,” the fukutaicho teased with a rich lust in his eyes, running his fingers through the soft hair.

Kenpachi chuckled and pulled him away from the wall that he had pressed Shuuhei up against. “I do it so that my enemies can be prepared for me to kick their asses,” he growled, smirking at the shiver of delight that rolled through Shuuhei’s body.

“Are you sure it’s not so that they can be confused long enough for you to find them? As much as I care for Yachiru-fukutaicho, she does get her directions wrong,” Shuuhei hummed in a pleasured drenched voice, making Kenpachi smirk.

“Maybe,” the large taicho chuckled as he moved to his desk, sweeping the pile of papers, his ink bottle, brushes and a small snow globe from Yumichika off of the top of it, clearing a space for him to place Shuuhei down. The slightly smaller man shifted and leant back, fingers trailing through soft locks before coming to rest on the top of the desk, the slim body leaning back.

A smirk played on Shuuhei’s lips, his prick straining against his hakama as he kicked off his shoes. “Are you going to make me scream and beg?” he asked, his voice slightly breathless at the thought of that happening, eyes darkening with every passing moment. The smirk that Kenpachi gave him sent heat through his body, his legs twitching as his length leaked in anticipation.

“Oh, I am going to do so much more than just making you moan and beg,” Kenpachi chuckled, pressing against the sweet body, Shuuhei sighing and letting his eyes close as he enjoyed the feeling of heat so close to his own, the rolling reitsu making his skin flush a barely there red. “I’m going to make your body so sore that you’re going to be limping for days after I’m done,” he rumbled, pressing between long legs, feeling them wrap around his waist once more.

Shuuhei let out a shuddering breath, biting his bottom lip as Kenpachi lowered his own lips and nipped at the long neck that was being offered, the dark head falling back. Long fingers found their way into the berserker taicho’s hair, tugging on it as Shuuhei laid back with Kenpachi laying over him, pressing him into the wood of the desk.

“Fuck, so willing for more,” Kenpachi said, licking his lips as he rocked their hips together, feeling their cocks rub together, creating friction between them.

“Kenpachi,” Shuuhei whined, tugging on Kenpachi’s hair. The larger man growled and reached up, untangling long fingers from the locks before pressing the hands down, holding his wrists with one hand and a pleased look.

“Now, now, behave, little Rukigon rat. I’ll give you everything that you want, I promise,” he growled, the sound more like a purr that sent desire rocketing through Shuuhei’s body.

“Please,” Shuuhei breathed, licking his lips before Kenpachi once more claimed them in a deep kiss, his tongue sliding in and out of the sweetness, tasting and feeling as they continued to rock together. 

Kenpachi pulled away and smirked down at him. “Soon,” he promised, pressing the wrists in his hand down lightly as he gave the other man a look. “Keep them there or I’ll have to punish you.” Shuuhei nodded frantically, causing Kenpachi to chuckle as he let go of the slim wrists and stood up partly. “Looks like you wouldn’t mind being punished. But I’ll save that for later.”

Running his eye over the lean body, Kenpachi smirked as he watched how the sweet body wiggled and shifted under his look, high cheeks flushing red as Shuuhei stayed in his position. Humming lowly, he reached out and stroked his hands over the long neck, prompting his lover to tip his head back as he stroked and touched, pausing to feel the others racing pulse. Smirking as he stroked his lovers pulse point, he continued on with his exploration, sliding his hand down lower, over his chest, the fabric of Shuuhei’s top parting under his touches before he tugged it out from the others hakama. 

Lifting the other up to sit, he maneuvered his lover around to remove the top, tossing it over his side before he pushed Shuuhei back onto his back once more. With his top bare to his view, Kenpachi growled and leant down to nip harshly at once caramel colored nipple, getting Shuuhei to gasp and arch upwards into him. Smirking, the large taicho did it again, drawing out a strangled moan as he twitched heavily under the pleasurable pain.

“Kenpachi,” Shuuhei whined, hands twisting to grasp at the top of the desk, chest rising to meet the descending lips. He moaned as his other nipple was teased and tormented, Kenpachi working to drive him insane with lust and need as his hands roamed over his body, gripping here and scratching there. 

Shuuhei writhed under the attack, moaning and growling in pleasure as Kenpachi worked his mouth lower, leaving behind marks against the sweetly pale skin that begged for them. Finally, his mouth was hovering over the sweetly curving prick that twitched as he breathed over the wet tip. 

“Do something,” Shuuhei mewled, shuddering hard under the others assault. Kenpachi smirked up at him, eye glowing with power and need for the other as his tongue snaked out to lap at the tip, leering at the strangled sound of pleasure as the long back arched upwards as he held onto the desk tightly. “Kenpachi,” he got out, the sound strangled and needy.

“So eager,” Kenpachi chuckled with a leer before opening his mouth and took the length into his mouth, sucking lightly as his tongue pressed and teased. Shuuhei made such sweet sounds to his ears as he went down on him, Kenpachi’s hands clamped down on the hips that were trying to rock upwards into his mouth. 

The sweet taste of precome coating his tongue, Kenpachi reached out with one hand and dug around for the bottle of lube that he kept handy for those moments of need.

Or for whenever he was bending someone over his desk. 

Finding it, he slicked his fingers as he continued to suck and lick at his lover’s prick, the lean body that he had sprawled out on his desk writhing and pressing and twitching under the pleasure he was invoking. Once his fingers had been slicked, he brought the hand to the entrance that twitched and fluttered at the touch of his fingers.

“Kenpachi,” Shuuhei choked as his hips rocked up, or tried to rock upwards, still held down by one hand. Pulling off of the leaking cock, Kenpachi slid a finger deep into the grasping body, rolling it around in the tight body that twitched and squeezed his finger. 

“Soon, sweet thing, soon,” Kenpachi grunted as he continued to rock his finger in and out of the body under him before adding a second finger. He spread them, watching as the long body Shuuhei arched up and moaned as the muscles around his fingers twitched and relaxed. 

He pumped them in and out, making sure that his lover was ready for the third finger that slipped into the ring of muscles that tightened before relaxing once more. Kenpachi licked his lips and leered as he spread all three, the slightly pained sound making his own dick twitch in anticipation of being inside of the tight heat that was currently gripping his fingers. 

“You ready?” he grunted as he continued to play his fingers in and out of Shuuhei’s body. 

“Yes! Fuck me now,” Shuuhei cried out, making Kenpachi growl and yank his fingers out. Grabbing the lube, he coated his own length before pressing it against the stretched hole, pausing for a moment before shoving into his lover with one swift thrust. Shuuhei gasped and groaned, arching his back and shuddering as he tightened around the cock that had invaded his body.

“Fuck yeah,” Kenpachi grunted, pausing to get used to being inside of the tight, hot body that was trying to squeeze his cock off before relaxing around him. Planting one hand next to Shuuhei’s head, his other clamping down on the lean hip, Kenpachi planted his feet firmly on the ground before starting to move, thrusting in and out of his lover.

Shuuhei moaned and mewled as he moved with the larger body, the thrusts forcing him to hold onto the desk if he didn’t want to be fucked right off of it. His legs wrapped tight around Kenpachi’s waist, pulling him back into the hard thrusts, his eyes closed as his lips were parted as he panted and moaned. The large taicho leered once more, moving his hand from the desk to reach down between them and curl his fingers around the bobbing cock. 

Shuuhei arched upwards and gasped at the touch of a sword calloused hand, eyes flying open as his body jerked hard. With the mix of hard thrusts into his body, striking his sweet spot, the reitsu that flowed and pressed and rubbed against his own and the hand that worked over his length, it wasn’t long before he was screaming Kenpachi’s name and shuddering hard. His come slicked over the moving hand as the large man growled and thrust a few more times into the vice like body and spilled, shuddering hard as he followed after his lover, spilling into the others body.

“Fuck,” Kenpachi groaned, lazily moving back and forth, making sure to draw out as much pleasure as he could for the both of them. Shuuhei moaned lowly as he shivered under the continuing pleasure before sighing as Kenpachi stopped moving finally. “Damn, that was good,” the large man grunted, stroking his hands over his lover’s still trembling body.

Shuuhei hummed as he basked under the attention of the other, nodding his head. “I think…I might be bruised,” he hummed, feeling the soreness slowly start to penetrate his pleasured haze as his legs relaxed from where they had been squeezing Kenpachi’s waist.

Kenpachi chuckled. “So it looks like,” he said, fingers brushing over the hip that he had been holding, watching the bruises rise up. “Someone will come get us when there is news about the men. For now, I’m going to take you to my room where we can…continue this without any interruption.”

Shuuhei smirked and nodded, allowing Kenpachi to draw him off of the desk, ignoring the fact that Kenpachi’s come was dripping down his thigh and his stomach was still sticky with his own. He was more interested in the fact that Kenpachi had a hidden hallway to his private rooms and was getting hard once more.


	6. He's an Idiot 3 Pt. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: He’s an Idiot  
> Arc: 4  
> Part: 6  
> Fandom: Bleach  
> Characters: Kira, Shuuhei  
> Word count: 1,783  
> AN: Ah…last chapter for this one. :D Next week, we start with He’s an Idiot 4, which is Kira/Gin/Stark in various ways. :3 Enjoy.
> 
> *~*~*~*

 

“So how is your thing with Kenpachi?” Kira asked as he eyed the multitude of boxes that lined one wall of Shuuhei’s home, making his friend blush as he laid out their take out.

 

“Call it a relationship because that’s what it is, unconventional as it is,” Shuuhei said, waving a hand to the coffee table. “And it’s going along so well that he actually bought a new home on the edge of the Eleventh, near the Eighth,” he continued as he sat down on a pillow. Kira gazed at him with disbelief in rich blue eyes for a moment before he burst into laughter. “Oh fuck off.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, really I am,” Kira giggled, wiping his eyes with a smile on his lips, a wonderful sight to Shuuhei. “Well, when the guy makes a move, he makes a move,” he hummed with a shake of his head. “Please say you got something with shrimp in it.”

 

“Of course I did.” Shuuhei pointed at one take out bowl with his chopsticks before grabbing one that held noodles with some sauce and chicken along with the noddles. “Anyways, the only reason why I’m not there is because I need to finish packing for tomorrow and because Zaraki is with Yachiru, who has a particularly nasty chest cold. I wouldn’t be much good beyond relieving him but I’ll be doing that in the morning.”

 

“Poor Yachiru-san. To be caught in that summer shower and right as Hitsugaya-taicho had to release his shikai,” Kira hummed as he poured some of the shrimp onto his plate. “She’s not going to get any worse is she?”

 

“No,” Shuuhei said, shaking his head and finding the dango, adding it to his plate and handing it over. “Unohana-taicho said that she just needs rest, lots of fluids and to keep out of any cold; so her room is rather nice and toasty compared to the rest of the house. I gave them my little box heater since the heater isn’t fixed yet,” he continued as they split the food between them.

 

“What’s wrong with it?” Kira asked as he bit into a dango ball with a hum. “There are a few wires that are corroded and need to be replaced before it can be used. Someone is coming sometime tomorrow to fix it for us.” He popped the dango ball into his mouth with a hum of pleasure.

 

“Well, that’s good,” Kira mused as they dug into their food. It had been almost two months since Kenpachi had gotten tired of waiting and had been pushed to pounce by a hollow nest clear out gone horribly wrong. Since then, Kenpachi and Shuuhei had been very happy as they built a real relationship between them. Many people had thought that they wouldn’t last beyond a month, if not a week, but they were all surprised by the very fact that they had lasted and were finally becoming a single household.

 

Yachiru was a very happy little girl, finally getting the ever so wanted and coveted second parent like person. She had even taken to calling him Shuu-papa in the last couple of weeks, much to Shuuhei’s pleasure. He had taken to being a father like a duck to water and doted on her while helping her learn how to be a proper fukutaicho very slowly.

 

It surprised everyone who wasn’t close to Kenpachi or Shuuhei, or at least knew how things worked with them. As Ichigo had said one day to a lower Eleventh seat, “You never quite know what is brewing beneath his face, what he would do next. All you can do is expect the crazy bastard to do something unexpected.” He had then kicked the idiots ass for the next oh so smart comment about his bottom status and getting on his knees.

 

“So you’re going to head over there tomorrow huh?” Kira asked, eating a bit of noodles and chicken as he gazed at his mint eyed friend.

 

“Yeah. A few of the Eleventh divisioners on Kenpachi’s shit list is going to haul the stuff over, via a carriage mostly for the heavy stuff. I’ll be there to make sure it all stay’s in one piece,” Shuuhei said, looking to his friend. “Isn’t Gin-san and Stark-san getting out tomorrow?” He asked, waving his chopsticks at Kira. The moan of unhappiness that came from the younger man answered his question. “Sorry about leaving you to do that on your own there, Kira.”

 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Kira moaned, rubbing at his face with one hand before shoving a shrimp into his mouth. “I’ll just have to suck it up and do this without a hand holder. I’m just worried because one of the idiots did open their mouths about the damnable rumor that keeps following me around,” he continued after he swallowed the bite of food. “Of course, the idiot also hasn’t really been paying attention to anything those two said about anything that doesn’t have anything to do with the Winter War and any stashes that Aizen may have put around.”

 

“I seriously need to work on some people’s observational skills,” Shuuhei complained, groaning lowly to himself as he made a mental note to do that. “So you don’t know what the fuck they’re thinking or how they’re gonna act around you?” he questioned.

 

Kira took a moment to finish his food before answering. “Yeah, I’m going in blind here. Which sucks much for me,” he said, snarling lowly before shaking his head. “It will not be a fun meeting tomorrow.”

 

“You’re going to have to go over the rules, guidelines and their new duties right?” Shuuhei asked as he poked around in one of the take out bowls. He ate a bamboo chute as he gazed at Kira with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Yeah. Not only that but I have to be introduced to Stark-san the first time. Anytime I went to speak with Gin-san, Stark-san was always asleep. Though Lilynette is a sweet young girl despite her violent tendencies towards Stark-san,” Kira said, cleaning up the empty containers as Shuuhei continued to eat, watching him. “So this will be a very awkward meeting on my end and I am not looking forward to this.”

 

Shuuhei shook his head with a slight frown. “You’ll do just fine. You and Gin-san have been talking and getting to know each other once more for the last couple of years so just go in tomorrow as the professional fukutaicho you are and the friend you can be. You’ll do just fine,” he promised. Standing, they dumped the trash in the kitchen and moved to the living room. After flopping onto the couch, Kira propped his feet onto a plastic bin.

 

“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” Kira hummed, playing with the hair that fell over one eye, lips twitching as he thought of what was going to happen the next day.

 

He had indeed never met Stark face to face, the Espada having always been sleeping or training in the specialized training room that had been placed under their house by Urahara when they had been moved from the dungeons. They had moved after it had been confirmed that they were closely tied to each other and that Gin had been under Aizen’s control. But the man  still interested Kira, just for the simple fact that he was a constant presence, even when he wasn’t in the room.

 

It had made for some exceedingly detailed dreams that forced Kira to stay away for a bit of time so he wouldn’t give away what he was thinking about.

 

“I have killed three more vibrators and gone through four very large bottles of lubes preparing to deal with those two,” Kira suddenly stated, Shuuhei giving him a wide eyed look. “Not to mention all the fucking batteries that I used.”

 

“Have you ever thought of maybe investing in some rechargeable batteries and maybe some power bases for your toys?” Shuuhei asked. “And with the way you go through toys, the store must be worshipping at your feet.”

 

“I’m actually going to give in and go to the human world, buy the male version of a rechargeable jack rabbit,” Kira admitted. “I have never gone through so many toys in such a small amount of time, not until I had to start dealing with those two to make sure that they’re ready to work once more,” he whined, flailing his legs as Shuuhei chuckled lowly. “I’m going to need to either find a lover who’s really good in bed or stock up on toys, lube and batteries.”

 

“Could always find one of those ‘clone a willy’ kits. I went with Hana-chan and Ichi-chan to buy one. Something about doing something for Yumichika-sans birthday. I didn’t ask why but I did find out if could be used for someone up to twelve inches long and at least two around. Could find an ex-lover and use it on him,” Shuuhei suggested before getting smacked by a pillow wielded by Kira.

 

“Fuck you, dick boy toy,” Kira snarled, eyes narrowed at his friend. Shuuhei burst into laughter before fending off the pillow once more, still laughing. It was the frantic knocking on his door that brought the attack to an end, prompting Shuuhei to jump up and nearly run for the door.

 

Opening it, he found an Eleventh division seated officer standing there, dancing on his feet. “What? Did something happen?” he snapped, the member snapping off a quick, sharp salute.

 

“Shuuhei-fukutaicho, Yachiru-fukutaicho wants you and there’s an emergency that Kenpachi-taicho needs to get to,” he said, still dancing on his feet.

 

“Alright. Kira! Got to go!” Shuuhei called out, Kira waving him off with a smile. As the door closed behind his friend, the younger man moved around to finish cleaning things up and packing away the last of the clothes.

 

Once he was done, Kira locked up behind himself and headed to his own home, bounding over the roof tops, his mind working over time. He was still nervous about the meeting the next day but Shuuhei was right. All he could do was go in and be himself while trying to keep the fact that he would probably go home and kill some more batteries off hidden.

 

It was not going to be an easy deal and he knew it. Landing before his front door, Kira pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, groaning to himself. “What a fine, fine hole I have dug for myself this time. I just had to volunteer to watch them,” he sighed before closing the door behind him, intent on going to bed.


End file.
